Contrary to what you may think, the greatest enemy to sexual intimacy in marriage is not weight gain, financial troubles, young children, or TV.
For women, the greatest enemy is something you’ve probably experienced recently. If fact, you may be experiencing it right now.
It’s weariness… You’re just. plain. tired.
According to Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known Christian psychologist, author, and speaker, women desire a fulfilling and meaningful sex life with their husband, but they’re exhausted.
In his book Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, Dr. Leman spends a chapter discussing women and their number one reason for not having sex. We’re tired, so we put it off for later, but later can become later again, then seldom ever. And then comes more truth: putting it off until later doesn’t make the next time better, but rather it begets more abstinence, and then we begin a cycle of increasing frustration in our marriage.
We’re overcommitted. We’re not taking seriously God’s desire for us to have scheduled, weekly rest (a sabbath rest). He created us to need rest, and we’re neglecting it. We’re wounding our marriage, family, and spirit.
Sweet friend, you can’t continue at this pace. If you’re not careful, you’ll fast-forward out of control. You cannot be all things to all people. You cannot give your best to your husband and your children if you spend all of your days chasing busy. When we try to do everything, something suffers.
You’re going to have to let a few things go. It may not be easy, but you want to build a meaningful life on a firm foundation.
No more running around every single weeknight shuttling the kids around to ten different after-school activities. Scale it back. They’ll survive. Actually, they’ll probably thrive. Family time together at home is priceless and needful.
What else can you remove from your calendar? What can you say no to? What can you stop saying yes to?
Every time you say yes to something, you are inadvertently saying no to something else. Yes to this, no to that. Yes to another sport? Then it’s no to family time at home. No to that weekend away. Be careful not to choose what’s good over what’s best.
Now let go of the mommy-guilt. Don’t even let that creep into your thoughts for a single second. You can make a small step forward, today. And then you can make another step forward tomorrow.
Just breathe.
Rest.
Slow down.
Be intentional about carving out time for rest. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. You need to recharge for so many different reasons, but especially for your marriage’s sake. For your sake. For your family.
What small change will you make today?
Go in grace,
Jaime
So much wisdom here! I think time to pause/rest/reflect is SO important and SO undervalued. I’ve never thought about it being a barrier to intimacy in marriage, but that makes total sense. Great post!
Thank you, Amber! So glad you stopped by!
Sheet Music is a great book!! I totally agree; exhaustion can be such a hindrance in marriage. I know when I was tired for a season, intimacy was affected. That just wasn’t going to work for me;) Taking care of myself – exercising, praying, getting into God’s word, cutting back on extra activities…etc was necessary. Health supplements were needed, too. It is our responsibility to ensure we are doing something to help prevent exhaustion. I know, sometimes, it can’t be helped. But if it is a regular occurrence, something needs to be done. Thanks for linking up with Grace and Truth.
YES! Self-care is so important for us moms. We have to stop trying to do ALL the things (preaching to myself here, too). I believe taking care of our marriage is super important, because our kids need to see our example of what a healthy marriage looks like. Thanks for this important reminder.
I’m glad you mentioned Dr. Lemans book. My small group and I read “Sheet Music” together a few years ago. It’s really good! Everyone agreed that it helped increase the intimacy in their marriage.
You really have to carve out your own healthy space and resting spaces. My mom’s friend gave some sage advice that sounded harsh at first to me. “As a woman you are the one who looks out for everyone, but no one will look out for you. You have to.” At first those words seemed harsh and hurtful. It isn’t that your husband doesn’t care, but you will be in charge of your own health. You are naturally inclined to take care of others, don’t forget you. You hold the relational cogs together in the family. If you become unraveled the whole unit will.
I believe her.
A woman who is empty and exhausted eventually becomes void of life. The life is sucked out. Her joy and beauty ebb away. Her life giving qualities diminish because her life has diminished.
I didn’t learn this lesson until it was much too late after four kids and foolish choices.
Self care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. Everyone benefits from it. Especially your husband.
Yes, I absolutely agree! Thank you for sharing your experience, Summer!
Good timing! I was just starting a book today, one not to learn but just to enjoy reading! That and a nap are my favorite ways to rest!