“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good…” Titus 2:3
We all sometimes struggle with gossip, which is precisely why it’s briefly addressed by Paul in his letter to Titus. Whether it’s intentional or not, it’s far too easy to begin discussing the hows and whys of someone else’s decisions or thoughts with our neighbor, our sister, or our friend.
We quickly assume to understand someone else’s reasoning for making certain decisions, then package it extravagantly in pretty words and deliver it assertively to undiscerning readers and friends— as though it is Truth — and they believe it. It’s an easy snare to fall into in the blogging world, in personal friendships, and in families, even when we have the best of intentions.
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When others misrepresent you, what do you do? Do you maintain a meek and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4) and extend grace? Or do you feel the need to defend yourself?
Personally, I’ll admit – I struggle with the urge to defend myself. I can be competitive and prideful to a fault if I’m not careful; it’s difficult for me to suppress that sinful nature within that wells up and feels the need to argue, defend, and challenge. It’s been a progressive journey for me, and I have to prayerfully seek to please God and adorn myself with meekness, remaining quiet in the most offensive situations. We are to plant seeds of truth, be salt and light, live a holy life before others, love the body of Christ, and promote unity amongst ourselves. Remember, the world will know us by our love (John 13:35). Often, succumbing to our desire to defend ourselves (even when we feel we are right or have a “righteous” reason for doing so) results in a hasty dissolution of unity among even the most devoted Christians. I’ve seen it far too many times.
Elisabeth Elliott eloquently shared this in her transcript Never Defend Yourself,
“The third vow of spiritual power is never defend yourself. Hum–that’s not easy, is it? We’re all born wanting to defend ourselves. Thrusting our fists heavenward and drawing our things around us, and sort of fending off other people. Well, Tozer suggests that we should never defend ourselves. We’re all born with a desire to defend ourselves. If you insist upon defending yourself, God will let you do it. But if you turn the defense of yourself over to God, He will defend you. He told Moses once in Exodus 23, “I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, an adversary to thine adversaries.”
Further along, Mrs. Elliott says,
“If a story gets out about you, the big temptation is to try to run it down. But you know running down the source of a story is hopeless task–absolutely hopeless. It’s like trying to find the bird after you’ve found the feather on your lawn. I like that metaphor. Like trying to find a bird after you’ve found the feather on your lawn. You can’t do it!”
And, in her closing words, the story I love the most,
“Henry Suso was a great Christian of other days. Once he was seeking what some Christians have told me they are seeking–to know God better. Let’s put it like this, you’re seeking to have a religious awakening with your spirit that will thrust you farther out into the deep things of God. As Henry Suso was seeking God, people started telling evil stories about the man. It grieved him so that he wept bitter tears and had great sorrow of heart. Then one day he looked out the window and saw a dog playing on the lawn. The dog had a mat and kept picking the mat up, tossing it over his shoulder, running and getting it, tossing it some more, picking it up and tossing it again.
God said to Henry Suso, “That mat is your reputation, and I am letting the dogs of sin tear your reputation to shreds and toss it all over the lawn for your own good. One of these days things will change.” Things did change. It was not very long before people who were tearing his reputation were confounded, and Suso rose into a place that made him a power in his day and a great blessing still to those who sing his hymns and read his works.”
It’s difficult when others make unfair assumptions about you, your character, your reasoning, or your motives. All we can do is speak the truth, continue to live according to the Word, strive for unity, offer grace, and trust that He will ultimately turn their words around for the greater good.
If you have prayed, heard from the Lord, and your actions are in line with the Word of God (not contrary to it), then continue steadfastly in your good works, my friend. Take your frustrations, your hurts, your tears to Him in prayer and lay them at His feet. Let Him fight in your stead; He is much stronger than you and mighty to save!
It is very hard for me as well not to always try and defend myself. I want to! If I don’t, who will? I’ve found time and time again that if I hold my peace, the Lord will fight my battles! If I allow God to do this, then I’ve kept a gentle and Christ-like attitude and God makes my situation better in the end. 🙂
Great post!
Yes. I have felt misunderstood. Sometimes it’s the very person who tells me “I’ve got your back!.” I came to the conclusion that we have to live in such a way that only Jesus “has our back.” And He does!!! Whooo Hooo! (I grew up in a shoutin’ Baptist Church!) : ) I have found at other times that I was the one in the wrong and God was trying to show me how I needed to be more careful with my opinions. I had given the wrong impression of my own motivations so the misunderstanding did lay at my feet. Either way I had to remember that God resist the proud but gives grace to the humble….therefore I had to “humble myself under the mighty hand of God that He may lift me up.” …also I am trying to figure out when Matthew 18 comes into play with gossip and innuendo. Perhaps if we followed God’s Word which says “if you come to the altar and there rememberest that your brother hath aught against you.” (Not you against them …but them against me ….) It says to leave your gift and go to the brother. They may be correct in their “aught” but they may not …either way it’s time to speak the truth in love and find out why so that the Word of God and our prayers are not affected adversely. If the person is guilty of gossip or misrepresentation then perhaps this will help them correct it …it’s not our place to correct it but it is our place to go. The “going” takes faith because sometimes it seems easier just to lick our wounds quietly. May God give you wisdom as to what you need to do ….I usually end up going to my husband and asking his wisdom and then follow that trusting Jesus with my submission to my husband’s direction. He has actually told me to do both of these things in different situations. One to “overlook a transgression” and another to “go to the brother” (in my case sister.) Sorry I’ve written such a long reply here. I think this is a much needed topic in the realm of the local body and we usually just want to sweep it under the rug.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I know what it’s like to be misunderstood and to bite my tongue….This reminded me of something from my Matthew Henry reading on Psalm 37 yesterday:
“If we take care to keep a good conscience, we may leave it to God to take care of our good name.”
Stefanie
Stefanie, I love that thought! Thank you for sharing it!
Thank you for this wonderful post. This is a weak area for me. I always feel the need to ‘argue my case’ and so many times {most of the time} it is just better to stay quiet.
I know how you feel.
Wonderful post- I love how you reminded us that God will defend us- whole post was a great lesson-loved reading it!! Visiting from Raisinghomemakers Link Up. ~April
A very well-timed post. I was studying Titus this morning and thinking many of the same things. I love how God confirms and affirms things for us, not only in His word, but also through blogs we happen upon!
Definitely a good post!! I struggle with this, too. I’m not very confrontational (actually I’m scared of the idea LOL) so I keep quiet more than I verbally defend myself, but it is still a stumbling block for me because I am the “black sheep” in my family (as far as how we choose to parent and life our lives) and it seems they are always questioning me, “discussing” my choices behind my back, and the like. I definitely need to get better about reminding MYSELF that God IS my defense.
This is such a great post. We all have to be so careful with our communication. It is easy to fall into gossiping without having any ill intention. It is easy to get defensive when we feel misunderstood. The verse I always go back to is Proverbs 17:28, which says, “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, his deemed intelligent.” Being defensive usually makes us look foolish, even if what we’re saying is true.
Very good post! I could’ve used this about 3 weeks ago! I kept silent about someone for years who frequently spread untrue stories about our family and then the mother of all stories was told and I finally let it all out. Since then, I have repented and apologized for losing my temper but boy, it would’ve been much better to just let the Lord handle it!
It’s hardest when a family member does things against you and claims no memory of doing so. If anything is said to this person they claim they “don’t remember” and get so angry that they claim I am certifiably crazy. Then if it is something I cannot prove they ask me to “Prove it!”. I am new in Jesus Christ and am and do not have the control of my own emotions yet like I should. What the family member did is not that serious but it happens so regularly that I’m on the verge of giving up. I cannot take their covert retaliation, their constant reminder to everyone that they are so much smarter than anyone else in the world that my mind is getting sick of handling these types of situations.
So I turned to God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to help me. It’s beginning to help me but as I get deeper into faith, the covert actions against me have become even worse. I cannot talk to any other member of my family because they claim it’s must me and that I need to go talk to someone.
I’m just so tired of being told something and later when I mention it to them later in a normal conversation about something of the same sort, they call me a liar and that they “never said anything like that”. Somehow, maybe I am being forced to confront this type of thing because it is a learning experience I must endure because of my newfound faith. I would go into greater detail but I know for a fact that this family member will go to almost any length to stalk me on the internet. It isn’t impossible and I feel as I have no privacy. Maybe this person does not feel what they are doing is wrong or that they are upsetting me so badly. That does not excuse their actions.
I give this entire thing to God. Jesus will protect me. God will protect me. The Holy Spirit will guide me. And with their help I will grow in faith and my adversary/s will be stopped by my Lord himself. I forgive this person for being the way this person is. I repent before the entire world to the Lord for any wrong this person believes I have done to them. I forgive myself for all actions my Lord has forgiven me for, and from now on I leave all this covert hate from my family in God’s (more than capable) hands.
my friend has been abused by her landlord..an unbeliever..she got mad one day and said she is going to ask her heavenly fathre to pour coals fo fire on his head..is that scriptural?
a friend of mine had an abusive landlord… a non believer..she got mad one day and said she is going to ask her heavenly father to pour hot coals of fire on his head
is that scripturally correct?
I love this! Thank you! I am trying (trying) to learn to let go and let God. He IS our Strong Defender and our Golden Shield! ??????????????????????????
I love this! Thank you! I am trying (trying) to learn to let go and let God. He IS our Strong Defender and our Golden Shield! :))
Thank you for this post. i was asking God for help in this area and this post gave me wisdom and peace on how to move forward. When you have insecurities, it is easy to take the words of others to heart and feel wounded by their words. God is my defender and I must trust that he will in his timing or show me the error of my ways. Thank you again.